A Note On Listening

Two ears, one mouth ... listen twice as much (twice as hard) as you talk.  If you are a big talker or tend to be long-winded (I fall into both of these, myself)* then you have to pay even more attention to how you listen.  There is a significant difference between hearing what your partner is saying and listening to your partner.  Hearing is simply allowing the words and sounds coming from your partners mouth to register in your ears.  Listening involves paying attention to these noises and working actively to comprehend their meaning.

One of the techniques that is touted in tons of pop-psych books (I have read tons of pop-psych as well as actual psychology literature) is called "active listening."  It has been the most reliable for me, even though it has been a source of annoyance to Foxie.  (it's how I roll, so deal)

Active listening involves a few components, including paying attention to the inflection and tone of voice that your partner is using.  These inflections can often convey subtext and give the listener some insight as to the intent behind the words.  This insight doesn't bring full comprehension, but when added to other aspects of active listening can bring more clarity.

Another component is paying attention to body language.  These subtle cues can tell you a lot, and there are many good books on the subject of you don't already have a grasp of this technique.  You cannot let body language be your only source of listening, though.  Some cues have multiple meanings.  One small example is when your partner isn't looking you in the eye when speaking.  This can mean that they aren't being fully honest or holding something back.  It can also mean that they aren't sure about their attitude on a particular topic, or that they are telling you what they think you want to hear.  Or it can simply mean that the topic is hitting them in a sensitive spot and they are being fully honest, fully open and that is what's making them uncomfortable.  If you aren't sure, ask.

This leads to the next (and the most significant part) if active listening, feedback.  There are good ways to provide feedback and ineffective ones.  Simply nodding or saying "uh-huh" are not really efficient forms of feedback.  They can lead someone to believe that you have really grasped the full meaning of what they have just said.  Unless you are sure that you have fully grasped the meaning, then these are not effective.  More effective is to rephrase or respond.  Rephrasing involves finding a way to repeat back what your partner has just said in the form of a question.  In response to your partner saying, "Meh, I have had sushi several times this month already."  you could respond with something like, "Does that mean you don't want sushi for dinner tonight?"  This is a really mundane example, but I hope it conveys the idea.  Response is more of a way to tell your partner that you have not only heard them but that you have understood the words.  "I get that." or "Yes, you have a point there." are a couple of example phrases.  As the talker, if you don't get an active response, you may not know whether your partner is listening.

This is certainly not an exhaustive explanation of listening techniques, but merely where I am coming from right now.

And one reminder for those who have put any time into studying communication.  There are four components to any communication; Sender, Message, Receiver and Feedback.  Without all four of these, communication hasn't actually occurred.  Active listening is a way of facilitating the fourth (and often most ignored) component.  You can send a message, know that there is a receiver of that message, but if there isn't any feedback you have no idea if the message was actually received.

*(probably why my "it's complexicated" always draws my fursona** with his mouth open)
**(furry fandom - this would be somewhat off-topic ... maybe in a future post)