Can you trust someone? When do you start trusting someone? How much can you trust someone with? These are questions that we all struggle with all of the time. I tend to pigeon-hole people into two categories when it comes to their ability to trust. Some people trust immediately until they are given a reason to doubt that initial trust. Other people reserve trust initially until they are given a reason to extend that trust. In reality we are all a complex blend of the two extremes.
For me, the amount of trust I extend to someone initially depends on how I meet them. If it's someone I meet at work, then I can usually trust their opinions, skills and ethics relating to work. If I meet them through a trusted friend, then I will extend a fairly high level of trust to that person on personal matters.
I don't often trust my personal life to coworkers, there's too much risk of gossip affecting my work environment. I also wouldn't ever trust specific details about my work to anyone who doesn't work there. There are business ethics to consider.
Over the course of a friendship, or as one is building a relationship there will undoubtedly be breaches of trust. It happens. All the time. We discuss them, we work through them, or we end the friendship/relationship.
Once a trust issue has been discussed, it's not necessarily reasonable to ask that person to change their entire behavior pattern to suit your boundaries. You simply need to reach an understanding of what you can or cannot trust the other person with. Trust isn't an all or nothing thing. Sometimes trust gets broken so badly that it can't be mended, and that's sad. Usually you can find some way to recover if you are willing to try and to adjust your expectations.
If one of your friends is chronically late to everything you plan, then you can trust that person to be late the next time you plan something. Just be aware of that fact of their behavior and adjust accordingly.
If you can't trust someone to keep a level head when confronted with a difficult topic, then don't bring that topic up or be prepared for that person to overreact.
If someone shares information that you shared with that person in confidence, then you need to stop sharing secrets with that person. Or, you can give it another chance after you explain your feelings and listen to their side. Maybe.
Trust is about knowing someone, knowing who they are and how they behave. Healing trust is about compromise, adjusting and setting boundaries.
31 March 2011
04 March 2011
commitment (note the small 'c')
This post has been in draft for Days... it's something that I have been trying to find the words to express for weeks, in fact.
Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>
This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder. In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another. I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.
"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships. "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment. I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.
In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other. "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out." These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.
In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important. This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.
Another important facet of trust building is commitments. Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust. If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust. One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself." We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.
The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time. This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words. If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.
Again, every relationship tests these waters over time. The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum. If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others." Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge. On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.
So, how does this apply practically? When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment. If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust. Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities. In all of this, communicate is the keyword. Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.
In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.) This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between. Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.
It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.
Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>
This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder. In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another. I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.
"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships. "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment. I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.
In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other. "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out." These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.
In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important. This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.
Another important facet of trust building is commitments. Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust. If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust. One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself." We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.
The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time. This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words. If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.
Again, every relationship tests these waters over time. The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum. If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others." Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge. On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.
So, how does this apply practically? When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment. If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust. Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities. In all of this, communicate is the keyword. Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.
In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.) This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between. Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.
It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.
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