commitment (note the small 'c')

This post has been in draft for Days... it's something that I have been trying to find the words to express for weeks, in fact.

Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>


This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder.  In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another.  I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.


"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships.  "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment.  I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.


In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other.  "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out."  These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.

In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important.  This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.


Another important facet of trust building is commitments.  Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust.  If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust.  One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself."  We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.


The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time.  This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words.  If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.


Again, every relationship tests these waters over time.  The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum.  If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others."  Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge.  On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.


So, how does this apply practically?  When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment.  If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust.  Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities.  In all of this, communicate is the keyword.  Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.

In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.)  This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between.  Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.


It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.