Journey - Just Non-Monogamy Isn't Me

There's a difference between Poly and Non-Monogamy.  Polyamory is non-monogamous, but the more accurate description is a consensual non-monogamous loving relationship.  I can do non-monogamy, but the ultimate goal for me needs to be poly.  It took some time and hard lessons for me to learn this about myself.

I moved from Nashville just around the time of the awfulness of the elections of 2000 (Bush v Gore, and the whole Florida BS.)  I remember catching all of the news at either the Nashville, in Sparta with a new beau, or in Knoxville.  The reason for moving is somewhat relevant.  In brief, I had friends in Knoxville who needed me, and I moved because I could.  The new beau didn't last, mainly because I wouldn't scrap my plan to move and instead move in with him.  We had only been seeing each other for 3 weeks.  I wasn't ready for that, but Knoxville was closer to Sparta so we could still see each other.  Right?  Blah blah blah, he couldn't handle it.  Whatever.

While living in Knoxville, I finally met someone who I let myself love.  The relationship lasted for almost 7 years, though it was only good for about 4 1/2.  We moved in together after about 3 months, and about 6 weeks later I was told that my job was being relocated to Florida.  I could move with it or take a tiny severance.  We moved.

Our relationship was open to outside playmates, with certain boundaries.

1. Always tell, if the other partner isn't there.  
2. Tell in advance, unless the other is unreachable or something gets out-of-hand. (That happened once, and the after-the-fact telling went very well.)  
3. It's preferable to arrange for both partners to be there to share the experience with a playmate.  
4. His preference was playmates, but not additional members of the relationship.  

I was fine with 1-3, and hoped that he would become secure enough to be able to re-evaluate #4.  He never was.

The relationship eventually deteriorated.  As I made friends he promptly offended them in an irredeemable way and they left.  He started drinking more and more, and finally I was worn down and totally out of emotions for him or anything else.  I guess I let it go on longer than was good for me, but I kept hoping until I was just too exhausted to care anymore.  The day I told him it was really over and he should look for a new place to live, we didn't even argue.  I left to get some space, and when I came back he had attempted suicide.  He was nearly dead on his bed, and there was an ambulance, police, the whole 9 yards.  I left him in the hospital and wouldn't let them send him home.  The emotional torture was finally over.

I fell into a horrible pattern of hoarding, hiding from the world, and only leaving the house for either work or casual sex.  That went on for nearly a year, until I cast a spell to break me out of it.  (I believe in magic; it's a religious thing.)

This brings us almost up to current events.