Feeling Loved or Not

The last several days have been rough. I've been having financial hardships and transportation issues.  When these things happen our true colors emerge.  I became rather depressed and found out from my counsellor that Foxie and JO were intending to send me to the hospital involuntarily.  My counsellor did NOT agree.  I didn't go home after the appointment and sought refuge with friends.  Why the fuck do I need refuge from my pack?

Tonight it finally came to me... the last few days what I really needed was simply to feel Love.  I got that from the Gryphon, the Dragon, and the German Shepard.  I get that from the Bunny, too, and also from the Roo.  A tentative love from the Golden Retriever...  so why not from Foxie?

I think it isn't possible.  Some people are missing the ability to Love.  Some will always see Love as a commodity to be bartered.  Some are capable of Love and lose the ability under stress (when it is most needed.)

I am not sure which of these affects Foxie, but it is something I need in any relationship.  I have felt more more Love from Omega over text message than I have ever felt from Foxie.

Does this mean my poly pack is going to change shape?  You bet your life it is!

If I can't be Loved by a packmate when I most need it, then it isn't a relationship.  I need to stop pretending that there can be Love when it just isn't there.

Someone New

So, it has been a month since the last post.  The pack has been doing okay, including the improvements in my relationship with m' Foxie Boi.  It seems that as soon as there's a bit of stability, an event will occur to shake things up.  This time it has turned my perspective around 180° and tipped it upside-down.

Entering the picture is my new interest, young Mr. Omega.  I could gush and go on and on about how sweet, loveable, adorable, compassionate, sexy, sensitive, spiritually centered and genuinely nice he is for hours.  I won't, but I will say that all of it is true and it isn't just the "Disney Chemicals"  talking.

So far, the rest of the pack seem genuinely happy, though I know a shift in the balance may be harder fo r some than others.

I can only ke ep lines of communication open and hope it's all okay.

Out of the Blue

So, I get to work and there's a voice mail on my work phone from my ex.  It's the only number he has for me, and I am glad.  The ending of our relationship was really messy and I haven't heard from him in 2 full years.  I didn't call back, having no idea what to say.

The following morning, I get 2 more voice mails.  I really don't want to talk to him.  I have a feeling he wants something from me.  Maybe that feeling is because of how much he took advantage during the last 2+ years we were together.  Still didn't call.  Talked to all of my family and some friends to get some support and feedback.  Some say call, some say don't.  It could be a chance for more closure and it could just dredge up issues that I have (mostly) laid to rest.

This morning I get another voice mail.  In the background I hear beeps and boops that sound like a hospital.  Now I really ought to call, but I have no idea what to say after all this time.

What to do, what to do?  I'll post again after I hear.

WTF? What Is This Feeling?

Recent circumstances have brought to light some feelings that have had me pretty damned confused.

The details aren't terribly important, but here's an overview.  Conversations about partners and bedmates turned a bit heated with me and others in my family.  The situation was resolved except for some residual feelings that seem to be on the mend.  While the feelings were still fresh, I tripped over something that I wasn't meant to see.  It was pretty damned personal and just hit me entirely the wrong way.  The thing I tripped over is something I would expect, and wouldn't have had an issue with except for the timing.  It was too soon after the conflict.  It brought me down in a big way, and any reminder of this thing just made me feel bad all over again.  Way bad.  Like, "I want to hit something or someone" sort of bad.

I hate saying "I feel bad."  It's very non-specific and speaks to a lack of emotional vocabulary.  I like to think I have a pretty good vocabulary for describing how I feel.  That being said, it has actually taken almost three weeks for me to identify what emotion was brigning me down.

I'm jealous!  Really?!? Me?!? I don't *do* jealousy.  My default is always compersion.  I am an enlightened poly man, jealousy should be beneath me, right?  WRONG!  It happens to everyone.

It took me this long to pinpoit the emotion because I don't remember feeling jealous since Jr High.  My best friend decided to play his newest Nintendo game with another friend first, instead of with me.  I got through it, though.  As soon as I calmed down, and after talking to my Dad about it, I simply called my best friend and made plans to play his new game another day.  I was better, I had fun, and the green-eyed monster left my heart.

Since that young age, I have felt similar emotions but not what I would call jealousy.  I have felt excluded, that's fairly common for me and I cope with that fairly well.  Exclusion can lead to jealousy but it's not the same.  I have also felt insecure in a relationship, afraid (without evidence) that my lover was going to lose interest and leave.  This is really easy for me to treat; I just ask for a gesture of reassurance and that's usually all it takes.  Insecurity can also lead to jealousy, but still not the same.  Possessiveness, now that's something that I don't think I have ever felt, or if I have it was a fleeting emotion that didn't stay long enough to be memorable.  I don't *own* my partner and neither am I *owned* by him/her.  It's just not part of my emotional repertoire.

So I am jealous again.  Hmmm... this is something that will be really interesting to work through.  I finally shared that feeling with whom I needed.  I guess that's the first step.

Discomfort Zone

When one is in a shared house, there may be more opportunities for interpersonal conflicts.  This is just a part of human interaction.  When these situations arise, I find that afterward it takes time to feel comfortable around the person I recently had a conflict with.  It doesn't matter how it's resolved, who apologizes for what, how each person owns their part in the situation, or any of the rest; I still feel uncomfortable.

Feeling uncomfortable in my home isn't something that I seek out, for certain.

So what happens when there is conflict, I feel uncomfortable and let a distance grow and there's another conflict before the discomfort from the initial clash has dissipated?  The gap grows wider of course.  It compounds with every situation, and with every reminder of the situations.  How wide can the gap get before it's just impossible to be in the same room with another person?  I don't think it can be quantified but there is a point at which this happens.

The solve for this?  Put up with the discomfort in small doses until you establish enough positive feeling that you can relate to that person normally again.

The closer you are to begin with the harder it is for a major gap to form.  When it's a relationship that's "once removed" (my lover's other lover) or "twice removed" (my lover's other lover's lover) there's a lot less intimacy from the outset of any conflict.  There's already some distance, so the gap can be widened easier until there's nothing left of friendship or companionable feeling.

It's a conundrum that I don't have very many answers for.  I know that if it's making me have either anxiety or nausea when I am around someone I simply don't want to be there.  It shows and it makes interaction really difficult.  Something must change to adjust the overall feelings, but what that change is, I'm not sure.  I'm fairly certain that it's different each time.

Playing it by ear and hoping I'm not tone-deaf this month.

Need versus Want

What do I need?
What do I want?

Sometimes it's important to reflect on whether you are getting your needs met in your current life and are you freely able to explore some of your wants.  I have often heard Prosperity defined as having the means to meet your needs and a portion of your wants.  One could say the same for emotional prosperity.

There is a myriad of psychological theory and philosophy around what one truly needs in life.  One of these I like a lot because it's visual and concrete, and illustrated in a pyramid fashion here:  Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

Another source defines the needs in a relationship as being: Certainty, Variety, Significance, and Love/Connection.  (The last could also be termed Intimacy.)
Identify Your Needs

It's important to remember that in poly we recognize that one person isn't expected to meet all of those needs all of the time.  The exercise in the link might be something that you look at on a partner-by-partner basis.  Is this person meeting any of these needs?  How fulfilled am I feeling in the relationship based on this evaluation?  Am I finding that in one of my other partners?

Very Imoprtant:  Don't seek an additional partner for the sole purpose if meeting these unfulfilled needs in your current relationship(s.)  This is all over the literature on poly.  Adding partners to your life doesn't "fix" an existing relationship, just like having a baby doesn't fix a traditional, hetero-mono, marriage.


Needs ... here are questions I ask myself:

Certainty:  Am I fully informed in this relationship?  Do I respect my partner in this relationship?  Am I included in activities with this partner?

Variety:  Is there growth or change in this relationship?  Is there a sense of adventure in this relationship?  Am I learning anything in this relationship?

Significance:  Am I valued by this partner?  Am I being heard by this partner?  Am I complimented by this partner?

Intimacy:  Am I preferred in some manner by this partner?  Am I receiving enough touch from this partner?  Am I cherished by this partner?

Wants...  here are my examples:

Am I exploring a kink or fetish with this person?  Am I spiritually connected with this person?  Can I talk with this person and connect intellectually? 

That's my top list as I see it now, your list will undoubtedly be different.  Being poly, it's subject to change from one relationship to another.  The broader questions I ask myself are:

Do you truly need all of these in every relationship?
Which of these are critical in a relationship for you?
Which ones can you satisfy with friends and/or other loved-ones?
Is this list long enough or too long?

All of this requires self awareness and introspection as you seek for ways to make your life better and more fulfilling.

New Link

I found a fabulous document and added the link to the main page of this blog.  I found it very inspiring and enlightening.

12 Pillars of Polyamory

Trust and Confidence

Can you trust someone?  When do you start trusting someone?  How much can you trust someone with?  These are questions that we all struggle with all of the time.  I tend to pigeon-hole people into two categories when it comes to their ability to trust.  Some people trust immediately until they are given a reason to doubt that initial trust.  Other people reserve trust initially until they are given a reason to extend that trust.  In reality we are all a complex blend of the two extremes.

For me, the amount of trust I extend to someone initially depends on how I meet them.  If it's someone I meet at work, then I can usually trust their opinions, skills and ethics relating to work.  If I meet them through a trusted friend, then I will extend a fairly high level of trust to that person on personal matters.

I don't often trust my personal life to coworkers, there's too much risk of gossip affecting my work environment.  I also wouldn't ever trust specific details about my work to anyone who doesn't work there.  There are business ethics to consider.

Over the course of a friendship, or as one is building a relationship there will undoubtedly be breaches of trust.  It happens.  All the time.  We discuss them, we work through them, or we end the friendship/relationship.

Once a trust issue has been discussed, it's not necessarily reasonable to ask that person to change their entire behavior pattern to suit your boundaries.  You simply need to reach an understanding of what you can or cannot trust the other person with.  Trust isn't an all or nothing thing.  Sometimes trust gets broken so badly that it can't be mended, and that's sad.  Usually you can find some way to recover if you are willing to try and to adjust your expectations.

If one of your friends is chronically late to everything you plan, then you can trust that person to be late the next time you plan something.  Just be aware of that fact of their behavior and adjust accordingly.

If you can't trust someone to keep a level head when confronted with a difficult topic, then don't bring that topic up or be prepared for that person to overreact.

If someone shares information that you shared with that person in confidence, then you need to stop sharing secrets with that person.  Or, you can give it another chance after you explain your feelings and listen to their side.  Maybe.

Trust is about knowing someone, knowing who they are and how they behave.  Healing trust is about compromise, adjusting and setting boundaries.

commitment (note the small 'c')

This post has been in draft for Days... it's something that I have been trying to find the words to express for weeks, in fact.

Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>


This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder.  In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another.  I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.


"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships.  "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment.  I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.


In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other.  "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out."  These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.

In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important.  This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.


Another important facet of trust building is commitments.  Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust.  If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust.  One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself."  We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.


The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time.  This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words.  If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.


Again, every relationship tests these waters over time.  The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum.  If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others."  Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge.  On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.


So, how does this apply practically?  When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment.  If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust.  Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities.  In all of this, communicate is the keyword.  Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.

In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.)  This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between.  Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.


It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.

A Note On Listening

Two ears, one mouth ... listen twice as much (twice as hard) as you talk.  If you are a big talker or tend to be long-winded (I fall into both of these, myself)* then you have to pay even more attention to how you listen.  There is a significant difference between hearing what your partner is saying and listening to your partner.  Hearing is simply allowing the words and sounds coming from your partners mouth to register in your ears.  Listening involves paying attention to these noises and working actively to comprehend their meaning.

One of the techniques that is touted in tons of pop-psych books (I have read tons of pop-psych as well as actual psychology literature) is called "active listening."  It has been the most reliable for me, even though it has been a source of annoyance to Foxie.  (it's how I roll, so deal)

Active listening involves a few components, including paying attention to the inflection and tone of voice that your partner is using.  These inflections can often convey subtext and give the listener some insight as to the intent behind the words.  This insight doesn't bring full comprehension, but when added to other aspects of active listening can bring more clarity.

Another component is paying attention to body language.  These subtle cues can tell you a lot, and there are many good books on the subject of you don't already have a grasp of this technique.  You cannot let body language be your only source of listening, though.  Some cues have multiple meanings.  One small example is when your partner isn't looking you in the eye when speaking.  This can mean that they aren't being fully honest or holding something back.  It can also mean that they aren't sure about their attitude on a particular topic, or that they are telling you what they think you want to hear.  Or it can simply mean that the topic is hitting them in a sensitive spot and they are being fully honest, fully open and that is what's making them uncomfortable.  If you aren't sure, ask.

This leads to the next (and the most significant part) if active listening, feedback.  There are good ways to provide feedback and ineffective ones.  Simply nodding or saying "uh-huh" are not really efficient forms of feedback.  They can lead someone to believe that you have really grasped the full meaning of what they have just said.  Unless you are sure that you have fully grasped the meaning, then these are not effective.  More effective is to rephrase or respond.  Rephrasing involves finding a way to repeat back what your partner has just said in the form of a question.  In response to your partner saying, "Meh, I have had sushi several times this month already."  you could respond with something like, "Does that mean you don't want sushi for dinner tonight?"  This is a really mundane example, but I hope it conveys the idea.  Response is more of a way to tell your partner that you have not only heard them but that you have understood the words.  "I get that." or "Yes, you have a point there." are a couple of example phrases.  As the talker, if you don't get an active response, you may not know whether your partner is listening.

This is certainly not an exhaustive explanation of listening techniques, but merely where I am coming from right now.

And one reminder for those who have put any time into studying communication.  There are four components to any communication; Sender, Message, Receiver and Feedback.  Without all four of these, communication hasn't actually occurred.  Active listening is a way of facilitating the fourth (and often most ignored) component.  You can send a message, know that there is a receiver of that message, but if there isn't any feedback you have no idea if the message was actually received.

*(probably why my "it's complexicated" always draws my fursona** with his mouth open)
**(furry fandom - this would be somewhat off-topic ... maybe in a future post)

Journey - The Past Month

So, now we're on to current events.  In the past month, we had a new roommate move in.  It was very serendipitous when he answered our ad online.  Right away, Bunny and I talked for over an hour and discovered that we have a lot in common.  Once he did move in, I held back on pursuing anything but a friendship.  "He has a boyfriend and it would be awkward with a roommate." was my mantra.  I met his boyfriend even before he had officially moved in, also very nice and we seemed to get along well.

Then I find out that they met as part of a 'trouple' and are open to polyamory.  I repeated the mantra.  Again and again I repeated it.  Then his boyfriend opened the conversation about dating and seeing where it might lead.  I was ecstatic!  Not only one, but two really nice guys are interested in me.  One of the things that stands out in the conversation was that Puppy (boyfriend) said that "if either of us were single we'd be chasing after you."  That really makes me happy.  There is good chemistry there, a growing friendship, and such potential for happiness.

We are taking the whole experience very slowly.  They have only recently gone through a rather messy breakup with their previous third partner, and are very hesitant.  Puppy is the most wary of getting into a bad situation with poly, so he is "the slowest person" in this new part of the relationship.  He will set the pace, and when he is ready for the next step (and not before) Bunny and I will be ready.

I also need to add that all of us get along very well.  Foxie, Jonny and I are all in agreement that this has good potential for the whole family.  I am truly giggly-happy for the first time in a long time.  Foxie seems happy to see that in me which make the whole situation that much better.

So, the family is (hopefully) growing.  "It's a good thing" as Martha Stewart would say.

A Note On Talking

Clarity is one of the most significant parts of the communication necessary to sustain any relationship.  How much information is too much?  In many relationships (friend, colleague, acquaintence) there's definitely such a thing as too much information. (TMI, dude, TMI)  In sustaining a relationship with life-partners, however, there's no other choice but full disclosure.  Even if that means saying "I don't know." or "I'm not sure." it avoids assumptions and wrong conclusions.

This applies to everyone, to the partners and to anyone who is a potential partner.  If you are worried that someone newly met will "get all weird about" a poly relationship, how much potential does that person have anyway.  Tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

Communicate your actions, your feelings, your motivations, your insecurities, your issues, your outside stressors.  One of the best and easiest ways to fuck up any relationship (and it is magnified in poly) is to stop talking, or to be deliberately dishonest in your communication.

Communication also needs to be across-the-baord with all members of the poly family.  Regardless of the geometry of your poly family* everyone who is part of that family has the right to know what's going on with any other family member.  Also, every family member has the responsibility to share what is going on with him/her.

Sometimes that means repeating yourself, and sometimes that means repeating what was said to you.  The first one can get tedious, and the second one can get sticky unless you have an eidetic memory.  Everyone needs to understand that second-hand communication is just that.  If you are sharing second-hand and don't fully recall the details, then make it clear that you don't.  (I like the phrases: "I get the impression that X is feeling this way about the situation." and "I seem to remember something like this.")  If you are receiving second-hand information and aren't sure of the details, check your facts.  Talk, talk, talk.  And if that doesn't work, talk about it some more.

And a final note:  Take everything that is communicated in the best possible light.  This is something I still need to learn.  Maybe it's because of past behaviors by my partner, and maybe it's because of past experiences; but it's all too easy to see baneful motives where the intention is either benign or benevolent.

See also:  How to f*** up
(read it, post it on your wall, read it again)

*(triad, vee, quad, double-vee, triangle with a couple of extra lines on the outside, dodecahedron, spaghetti diagram, whatever)

Journey - This Year Part 3

So I decided to back off and give Foxie and Jonny their space.  Was I selling myself short?  Should I have asked for more inclusion because I was interested in Jonny as well?  Coulda.  Shoulda.  Woulda.  It's not that important anymore.  I made choices and am ultimately happy with the result.


There were some times that I felt specifically excluded, but they were honestly few.  There are times that I feel a distance growing between Foxie and I.  We talk those through and continue talking through them.  Everything in any relationship is easier with communication.


Eventually, Jonny (Mr "I don't say the 'L' word") discovered and revealed the depth of his feelings.  The circumstances weren't the best and it was very hard on him.  It was hard on Foxie as well.  There was a potential new beau, and Jonny became very jealous.  Maybe clearer communication sooner in the new friendship would have helped (probably on all sides.)  This is a common issue in any relationship that is only magnified with poly.

Clear Constant Honest Communication is the solution.  When I say clear, it means be open and frank about your feelings and behaviors.  When I say constant that means literally all the time.  (In the age of cell phones, text message and internet there are a lot fewer excuses to be slow in your communication.)  Honest communication is also a must.  As with being clear you must be true and not let what you think someone's reaction might be give you an excuse to withhold, deny, or deflect.

The situation may not have been directly about me, my behaviors, choices or emotions.  The situation did affect me, however.  It's about family, and what affects any one member of that family affects every member in some way.  If you are poly your emotional and relational issues don't exist in an insular vacuum.  How much it affects the rest of the family is very subjective, but there is always an effect of some sort.

And speaking of which, we are finally current.  A good situation occurred right on the heels of that event that did/does affect me directly.  Next post, though.  It's really late. *yawn*

Journey - This Year Part 2

Well, the first set of roommates (a gay couple) didn't work out as we had hoped.  They were not ready to move from the comfort of living at one if their parents' house.  The move-out was completely amicable and we are all still friends.  Next enters onto the scene "he who shall not be named."  We will refer to him as "D" for easy reference, and you will come to understand why we choose not to name him.  He needed a place and we had a room, so he moved in. 

D rapidly developed feelings for Foxie, who didn't really feel the same.  We discussed that even if the feelings weren't completely reciprocal it didn't prevent exploring those feelings that were there.  We discussed poly and openness.  D, unfortunately, was not the best at communicating which became a serious problem eventually.

While Foxie and D were still working to figure out where they stood, I met someone online.  This introduced the man who has become our other-significant-other.  Jonny and I finally met when the stars and schedules permitted.  We found a friendship there, but Foxie found a lot more and deeper feelings for Jonny.  This became the beginning of a lasting relationship, although in the beginning it was just friends having fun together.  They were totally saccharine when they were together, and I was completely compersive about the whole turn of events. When it became obvious that the "disney chemicals" were in full force I told them that I could keep a distance while they enjoyed this new experience.

D on the other hand went totally nuts with jealousy and feelings of being replaced.  Replaced?  There wasn't very much there to replace, and we tried talking it all through with him.  We opened lines of communication and he shut down.  I tried coaxing him into talking about his feelings.  We both seriously tried.  D on the other hand stopped being around, stopped talking and eventually started moving his things.  We asked if he was moving out, and he lied.  When it became obvious that he was actually moving, I asked him if he planned on paying rent.  He wasn't, he didn't and it ended badly.


That was "he who shall not be named."

Journey - This Year Part 1

Okay, so now I can bring you up-to-speed on current events and what is shaping my current poly relationship.

The spell that I cast had some rather immediate success.  I didn't cast for anything baneful or manipulative and I didn't have a particular target in mind, so I was in a pretty good place to cast a spell to bring love into my life.  I had begun tentatively reaching out for something more than just sex, and I was still looking for sex, of course.

That's when I made first contact with Foxie.  I was interested in the fact that he was very open about being pagan more than anything else (though there were other factors.)  We texted a few times, and then talked on the phone.  I found some of his manner a little off-putting at first, so I took my time calling back.  When I called again, he remembered everything we had talked about.  It was like we had talked just an hour before.  We texted off and on for a few more weeks, talked a few more times, and finally met in person.  Wow!  That was my initial reaction.  We talked about paganism and magic and life and love and and and.  We discovered very early that we had come to nearly the same conclusions about many things regarding religion in general, and paganism specifically.

After meeting Foxie, I quickly began to have some deep feelings.  For me, the feelings bypassed the whole "disney chemicals" stage and set in with a deep and abiding feeling of connection.  The feelings are compatible in a complex way.  We started out as very good friends and magical partners.  The magical partnership has continued to be the hallmark of our relationship.

Circumstances converged on us, and it was the best option for us to move in together a little bit sooner than either of us would have preferred.  We moved into a tiny house with a couple of roommates on the 1st of August.

We had already discussed polyamory.  (I introduced the idea.)  We knew that there were certain incompatibilities but had talked about finding more fulfillment by continuing to date other people while letting our relationship grow.  It has been a great foundation so far, and though we have had some conflicts and issues, we have always been able to communicate our way through them.

Journey - Just Non-Monogamy Isn't Me

There's a difference between Poly and Non-Monogamy.  Polyamory is non-monogamous, but the more accurate description is a consensual non-monogamous loving relationship.  I can do non-monogamy, but the ultimate goal for me needs to be poly.  It took some time and hard lessons for me to learn this about myself.

I moved from Nashville just around the time of the awfulness of the elections of 2000 (Bush v Gore, and the whole Florida BS.)  I remember catching all of the news at either the Nashville, in Sparta with a new beau, or in Knoxville.  The reason for moving is somewhat relevant.  In brief, I had friends in Knoxville who needed me, and I moved because I could.  The new beau didn't last, mainly because I wouldn't scrap my plan to move and instead move in with him.  We had only been seeing each other for 3 weeks.  I wasn't ready for that, but Knoxville was closer to Sparta so we could still see each other.  Right?  Blah blah blah, he couldn't handle it.  Whatever.

While living in Knoxville, I finally met someone who I let myself love.  The relationship lasted for almost 7 years, though it was only good for about 4 1/2.  We moved in together after about 3 months, and about 6 weeks later I was told that my job was being relocated to Florida.  I could move with it or take a tiny severance.  We moved.

Our relationship was open to outside playmates, with certain boundaries.

1. Always tell, if the other partner isn't there.  
2. Tell in advance, unless the other is unreachable or something gets out-of-hand. (That happened once, and the after-the-fact telling went very well.)  
3. It's preferable to arrange for both partners to be there to share the experience with a playmate.  
4. His preference was playmates, but not additional members of the relationship.  

I was fine with 1-3, and hoped that he would become secure enough to be able to re-evaluate #4.  He never was.

The relationship eventually deteriorated.  As I made friends he promptly offended them in an irredeemable way and they left.  He started drinking more and more, and finally I was worn down and totally out of emotions for him or anything else.  I guess I let it go on longer than was good for me, but I kept hoping until I was just too exhausted to care anymore.  The day I told him it was really over and he should look for a new place to live, we didn't even argue.  I left to get some space, and when I came back he had attempted suicide.  He was nearly dead on his bed, and there was an ambulance, police, the whole 9 yards.  I left him in the hospital and wouldn't let them send him home.  The emotional torture was finally over.

I fell into a horrible pattern of hoarding, hiding from the world, and only leaving the house for either work or casual sex.  That went on for nearly a year, until I cast a spell to break me out of it.  (I believe in magic; it's a religious thing.)

This brings us almost up to current events.

Journey - Yes It's Still Poly

So now we are to the time when I learned the most about being poly, even though I wasn't a main part of any poly family.  Yes, if you are single you can still be poly; just like if you aren't having sex with another male, you can still be gay.  I did live in the house with a poly family for several years, and my sex life was off again (for a few weeks) then on again (with gusto.)  I learned a lot from observation and being very close friends with them all.


In my group of friends, there were several poly families with varying sorts of poly geometry.  There were also several poly experiments that didn't end in building a family.  I was studying for initiation into a neo-pagan tradition and peer/lay counseling skills were an integral part of that study.  I learned so much about myself, relationships (from a theoretical perspective), and also poly.  When over half of the members of the tradition are poly, you need to understand the dynamics.  (and keep a scorecard - jk)

I had some very close friendships during that decade, and most of those people relied on me for some sort of counseling at some point.  I had/have a talent for getting people to express their feelings, sometimes by telling them what they seem to be feeling and letting them correct me.  If it gets the job done, who cares how?  Some of those needed more than a peer and I gently encouraged them to seek a professional.  Part of that training was in understanding what's out-of-scope.

So there's an overview of my background in poly. (Mostly)  Only a couple more chapters to get to the present.

Journey - The Next Chapter of History

So the last post brought us through to a very strange period of my life.  I had been part of a poly family as the secondary member (a very vulnerable place to be) and out to being able to maintain a friendship.  We are still friends fifteen years later, and keep in touch over the distance through the magic of Facebook.

During this period of my life I was being thoroughly "therapized."  My major depression had come to a head at the end of that relationship and I came to understand how fucked up I really was.  (Putting this in the past tense, because: "Before therapy I was a needy codependant depressive; I'm a lot more comfortable with that now.")

I was also dating and trying to meet someone to help me find a happiness that my disease was keeping me from feeling.  As well as real dating there was a lot of sex, mostly anonymous or very casual.  The dating relationships weren't lasting past the first or second date.

Eventually a friend and paramour stayed around for a little while.  He was bisexual and his wife was open to him exploring that with me.  I was friends with them both until shortly after it started, when I found out that their marriage was very unstable.  (Poly doesn't solve existing relationship issues.)  She left him and their boys very abruptly, and he had a complete meltdown.  I was there for him emotionally as much as he would let me.  We stayed off-again, on-again playing and experimenting with a lot of different kinks.  Over time, he developed significant feelings for me that were more than he could handle.  "I'm breaking up with you because I fell in love with you."  The strangest ending I have ever experienced.  We stayed friends for a while, but there was always a strain there.

So that was the point where I gave up on love for a while and satisfied myself with friendships and casual sex, keeping both of those worlds rather separate.

Journey - The Early Years

For anyone to understand the relationship I am in right now it's important to provide some background.  I will be brief and only touch on what affects my poly path.  There is more history that I could divulge, but this isn't the forum for that.  Maybe another blog?  Maybe not.

My second adult sexual experience* happened shortly after I went away to college.  I'd been with my HS "girlfriend" once before that and it was a confusing, unsatisfying experience and I usually don't even count it.    I became part of a table-top role playing game (GURPS) and was making friends with the people there.  A married couple invited me to come over and "hang out" after the game one night.  On the way there, they told me that they wanted to have a menage-a-trois.  It was exciting for me, and I said yes.  (NOTE: this isn't poly - just a step on the journey.)  I had a good relationship with that couple for a few months, and they bought me some porn, mostly stories, to help me explore my turn-ons.  This was my first step out of the closet into accepting that I like boys more than girls.  Once I came out of the closet (to myself and a few close friends) my sexual activity level skyrocketed.  It was all either anonymous or secretive, but there was a lot.

Fast forward a year and a half.  I had come out to most of my friends and I was enjoying life until I fell into a bout of major depression.  I dropped out of college and moved back with my folks.  A couple of months later I met another married couple.  We became friends, started hanging out and had dinner together most nights.  After we had established a friendship based on common interests, common religion, etc., they approached me about sharing more than just friendship.  She was attracted to me and he was curious to explore his bisexuality.  Our friendship grew stronger and we grew to love each other.  I was a secondary in the relationship, and we had something very worth having. (NOTE: This here's a poly triad.)

Eventually, we shared a house and they started actively trying for children.  I was going to be "uncle Rowan."  That was exciting.  It all ended with an unfortunate B&D mis-communication.  (Remember if it's a B&D scene, "No" is part of the role-play!)  He didn't use the safeword and had next-day bad feelings that we tried to resolve.  We failed.  I moved out, though we eventually rebuilt and maintained the friendship.

If it wasn't for my coven-mates, I would have died at my own hand during the initial time of feeling rejected and misunderstood.  Many of the people in the coven were poly, and eventually they were able to convince me that it wasn't poly that caused the problem.  Poly can work and like all relationships it takes work.  Some of them had been poly for a decade or more and their love was strong.

Well that's the early years...  there's more but that's enough for now.

*[I say "adult sexual experience" because I was already experienced with sex from a very young age.  That sexuality counts but it doesn't affect this poly journey directly.]

Why Blog?

It started with Jonny O creating a blog to share and work through his thoughts and feelings about coming into a poly relationship.  What is poly? What are the rules (if any)?  My journey through poly and into this poly family is of course quite different than his.  That's a different post and it will come later.

For this one, I just need to answer the main question: Why Blog?

There are a lot of good resources about poly, but there is always something lacking it seems.  Few are willing or able to share their entire story except in very guarded circumstances.  There are valid reasons for this secrecy (and a few that I don't personally feel are valid.)  My personal hope is to be honest in sharing my thoughts on our current circumstance so that others can learn from the successes and failures that we encounter.

I will sometimes reference other poly families that I have known or been some part of in the past.  I have some real life context even though my family members are both quite new to the experience.  I don't intend to get any more personal that necessary, nor will I be using any full names.  This is the internet after all and you never know where information will end up traveling.

I am going to limit this to myself and my experience.  There will likely be some explanation in order to put things in context, but if you want to know more visit the other blogs.