A Note On Talking

Clarity is one of the most significant parts of the communication necessary to sustain any relationship.  How much information is too much?  In many relationships (friend, colleague, acquaintence) there's definitely such a thing as too much information. (TMI, dude, TMI)  In sustaining a relationship with life-partners, however, there's no other choice but full disclosure.  Even if that means saying "I don't know." or "I'm not sure." it avoids assumptions and wrong conclusions.

This applies to everyone, to the partners and to anyone who is a potential partner.  If you are worried that someone newly met will "get all weird about" a poly relationship, how much potential does that person have anyway.  Tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

Communicate your actions, your feelings, your motivations, your insecurities, your issues, your outside stressors.  One of the best and easiest ways to fuck up any relationship (and it is magnified in poly) is to stop talking, or to be deliberately dishonest in your communication.

Communication also needs to be across-the-baord with all members of the poly family.  Regardless of the geometry of your poly family* everyone who is part of that family has the right to know what's going on with any other family member.  Also, every family member has the responsibility to share what is going on with him/her.

Sometimes that means repeating yourself, and sometimes that means repeating what was said to you.  The first one can get tedious, and the second one can get sticky unless you have an eidetic memory.  Everyone needs to understand that second-hand communication is just that.  If you are sharing second-hand and don't fully recall the details, then make it clear that you don't.  (I like the phrases: "I get the impression that X is feeling this way about the situation." and "I seem to remember something like this.")  If you are receiving second-hand information and aren't sure of the details, check your facts.  Talk, talk, talk.  And if that doesn't work, talk about it some more.

And a final note:  Take everything that is communicated in the best possible light.  This is something I still need to learn.  Maybe it's because of past behaviors by my partner, and maybe it's because of past experiences; but it's all too easy to see baneful motives where the intention is either benign or benevolent.

See also:  How to f*** up
(read it, post it on your wall, read it again)

*(triad, vee, quad, double-vee, triangle with a couple of extra lines on the outside, dodecahedron, spaghetti diagram, whatever)