Recent circumstances have brought to light some feelings that have had me pretty damned confused.
The details aren't terribly important, but here's an overview. Conversations about partners and bedmates turned a bit heated with me and others in my family. The situation was resolved except for some residual feelings that seem to be on the mend. While the feelings were still fresh, I tripped over something that I wasn't meant to see. It was pretty damned personal and just hit me entirely the wrong way. The thing I tripped over is something I would expect, and wouldn't have had an issue with except for the timing. It was too soon after the conflict. It brought me down in a big way, and any reminder of this thing just made me feel bad all over again. Way bad. Like, "I want to hit something or someone" sort of bad.
I hate saying "I feel bad." It's very non-specific and speaks to a lack of emotional vocabulary. I like to think I have a pretty good vocabulary for describing how I feel. That being said, it has actually taken almost three weeks for me to identify what emotion was brigning me down.
I'm jealous! Really?!? Me?!? I don't *do* jealousy. My default is always compersion. I am an enlightened poly man, jealousy should be beneath me, right? WRONG! It happens to everyone.
It took me this long to pinpoit the emotion because I don't remember feeling jealous since Jr High. My best friend decided to play his newest Nintendo game with another friend first, instead of with me. I got through it, though. As soon as I calmed down, and after talking to my Dad about it, I simply called my best friend and made plans to play his new game another day. I was better, I had fun, and the green-eyed monster left my heart.
Since that young age, I have felt similar emotions but not what I would call jealousy. I have felt excluded, that's fairly common for me and I cope with that fairly well. Exclusion can lead to jealousy but it's not the same. I have also felt insecure in a relationship, afraid (without evidence) that my lover was going to lose interest and leave. This is really easy for me to treat; I just ask for a gesture of reassurance and that's usually all it takes. Insecurity can also lead to jealousy, but still not the same. Possessiveness, now that's something that I don't think I have ever felt, or if I have it was a fleeting emotion that didn't stay long enough to be memorable. I don't *own* my partner and neither am I *owned* by him/her. It's just not part of my emotional repertoire.
So I am jealous again. Hmmm... this is something that will be really interesting to work through. I finally shared that feeling with whom I needed. I guess that's the first step.
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