Need versus Want

What do I need?
What do I want?

Sometimes it's important to reflect on whether you are getting your needs met in your current life and are you freely able to explore some of your wants.  I have often heard Prosperity defined as having the means to meet your needs and a portion of your wants.  One could say the same for emotional prosperity.

There is a myriad of psychological theory and philosophy around what one truly needs in life.  One of these I like a lot because it's visual and concrete, and illustrated in a pyramid fashion here:  Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

Another source defines the needs in a relationship as being: Certainty, Variety, Significance, and Love/Connection.  (The last could also be termed Intimacy.)
Identify Your Needs

It's important to remember that in poly we recognize that one person isn't expected to meet all of those needs all of the time.  The exercise in the link might be something that you look at on a partner-by-partner basis.  Is this person meeting any of these needs?  How fulfilled am I feeling in the relationship based on this evaluation?  Am I finding that in one of my other partners?

Very Imoprtant:  Don't seek an additional partner for the sole purpose if meeting these unfulfilled needs in your current relationship(s.)  This is all over the literature on poly.  Adding partners to your life doesn't "fix" an existing relationship, just like having a baby doesn't fix a traditional, hetero-mono, marriage.


Needs ... here are questions I ask myself:

Certainty:  Am I fully informed in this relationship?  Do I respect my partner in this relationship?  Am I included in activities with this partner?

Variety:  Is there growth or change in this relationship?  Is there a sense of adventure in this relationship?  Am I learning anything in this relationship?

Significance:  Am I valued by this partner?  Am I being heard by this partner?  Am I complimented by this partner?

Intimacy:  Am I preferred in some manner by this partner?  Am I receiving enough touch from this partner?  Am I cherished by this partner?

Wants...  here are my examples:

Am I exploring a kink or fetish with this person?  Am I spiritually connected with this person?  Can I talk with this person and connect intellectually? 

That's my top list as I see it now, your list will undoubtedly be different.  Being poly, it's subject to change from one relationship to another.  The broader questions I ask myself are:

Do you truly need all of these in every relationship?
Which of these are critical in a relationship for you?
Which ones can you satisfy with friends and/or other loved-ones?
Is this list long enough or too long?

All of this requires self awareness and introspection as you seek for ways to make your life better and more fulfilling.