Can you trust someone? When do you start trusting someone? How much can you trust someone with? These are questions that we all struggle with all of the time. I tend to pigeon-hole people into two categories when it comes to their ability to trust. Some people trust immediately until they are given a reason to doubt that initial trust. Other people reserve trust initially until they are given a reason to extend that trust. In reality we are all a complex blend of the two extremes.
For me, the amount of trust I extend to someone initially depends on how I meet them. If it's someone I meet at work, then I can usually trust their opinions, skills and ethics relating to work. If I meet them through a trusted friend, then I will extend a fairly high level of trust to that person on personal matters.
I don't often trust my personal life to coworkers, there's too much risk of gossip affecting my work environment. I also wouldn't ever trust specific details about my work to anyone who doesn't work there. There are business ethics to consider.
Over the course of a friendship, or as one is building a relationship there will undoubtedly be breaches of trust. It happens. All the time. We discuss them, we work through them, or we end the friendship/relationship.
Once a trust issue has been discussed, it's not necessarily reasonable to ask that person to change their entire behavior pattern to suit your boundaries. You simply need to reach an understanding of what you can or cannot trust the other person with. Trust isn't an all or nothing thing. Sometimes trust gets broken so badly that it can't be mended, and that's sad. Usually you can find some way to recover if you are willing to try and to adjust your expectations.
If one of your friends is chronically late to everything you plan, then you can trust that person to be late the next time you plan something. Just be aware of that fact of their behavior and adjust accordingly.
If you can't trust someone to keep a level head when confronted with a difficult topic, then don't bring that topic up or be prepared for that person to overreact.
If someone shares information that you shared with that person in confidence, then you need to stop sharing secrets with that person. Or, you can give it another chance after you explain your feelings and listen to their side. Maybe.
Trust is about knowing someone, knowing who they are and how they behave. Healing trust is about compromise, adjusting and setting boundaries.
31 March 2011
04 March 2011
commitment (note the small 'c')
This post has been in draft for Days... it's something that I have been trying to find the words to express for weeks, in fact.
Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>
This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder. In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another. I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.
"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships. "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment. I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.
In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other. "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out." These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.
In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important. This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.
Another important facet of trust building is commitments. Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust. If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust. One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself." We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.
The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time. This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words. If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.
Again, every relationship tests these waters over time. The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum. If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others." Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge. On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.
So, how does this apply practically? When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment. If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust. Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities. In all of this, communicate is the keyword. Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.
In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.) This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between. Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.
It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.
Commitment:
Definition:
a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future
b : something pledged
c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>
This word is weighing heavily on my mind right now, and when I read the definition I can see a little bit more about why it's making me wonder. In this particular case I am not talking about (capital "C") Commitment, as in a binding pledge to share one's life with another. I am talking about the little commitments that people make on a day-to-day basis, or even those slightly larger commitments that people make in lasting relationships of all kinds.
"I won't use that word or descriptor since I know it is hurtful to you." is one sort of commitment that can come up in friendships and other relationships. "I will play this game fairly and by the rules." is an example of an implied commitment. I would hope that we all learn the basics of taking turns, counting points fairly, and other fundamentals of this social interaction at a young age.
In a partnership, there are often little commitments that we make to each other. "I'll do the dishes when I get home.", or "I will drop those clothes at the cleaners for you while I am out." These may sometimes seem inconsequential, but they do build upon one another.
In relationships that are outside the proscriptive social norm like poly or non-monogamy that other "C" word (Communication) becomes a lot more important. This communication builds a lot of the trust foundation, particularly when the communication is genuine, clear, and mutually understood.
Another important facet of trust building is commitments. Each small commitment that is fulfilled, whatever it might be influences you partner(s') ability to trust. If there is a foundation of trust in the small behaviors, then the increasingly larger commitments are easier to forge and trust. One could think of it this way: "If my partner (or friend, or date) commits to being somewhere at a certain time, then I might be able to trust him with something more personal about myself." We test these waters as we engage in courtship behaviors, we are often very careful about either meeting these small commitments or being very specific about why you cannot or choose not.
The small commitments in lasting relationships of all kinds have an increasingly larger impact, because the little ones allow the larger ones to be trusted over time. This can allow one to become more vulnerable, perhaps, or it can allow one to feel more confident about the genuineness of the others' words. If promised words are routinely fulfilled with congruent action, then promised long-reaching behaviors become increasingly easier to trust.
Again, every relationship tests these waters over time. The seeming advantage of the "normal" relationships is that there are certain trusts that are eventually pledged in an open, family or community based forum. If your whole family all of your friends and all of his (her) friends see you promise to "forsake all others." Then you have a lot more to lose if you don't fulfill that pledge. On the other hand if you make a commitment in private, it's no less binding, however you do have less support in keeping to it.
So, how does this apply practically? When you make a commitment, small medium or large, think about what you are committing to and follow through on that commitment. If there's a reason why you cannot or choose not to, communicate that renege and let the other party decide if that's adequate or a breach of trust. Boundaries will be set, and both parties will know if there's an issue of trust or conflicting priorities. In all of this, communicate is the keyword. Changing a commitment will be less likely to seem an egregious breach if it's communicated promptly and thoughtfully.
In love and sex matters for poly families, Commitment takes many shapes; from "Tell me in advance that you have an interest and ask my permission to pursue." all the way out to "Tell me about that guy you banged and whether it was it hot." (And I trust you to not bring home something that doesn't wash off.) This is a wide spectrum with a lot of gray and multicolor options in between. Each poly family and each member has to be clear on where they stand, what the commitments are and whether it needs to change.
It all builds on the little commitments first and is maintained by those small actions.
28 February 2011
A Note On Listening
Two ears, one mouth ... listen twice as much (twice as hard) as you talk. If you are a big talker or tend to be long-winded (I fall into both of these, myself)* then you have to pay even more attention to how you listen. There is a significant difference between hearing what your partner is saying and listening to your partner. Hearing is simply allowing the words and sounds coming from your partners mouth to register in your ears. Listening involves paying attention to these noises and working actively to comprehend their meaning.
One of the techniques that is touted in tons of pop-psych books (I have read tons of pop-psych as well as actual psychology literature) is called "active listening." It has been the most reliable for me, even though it has been a source of annoyance to Foxie. (it's how I roll, so deal)
Active listening involves a few components, including paying attention to the inflection and tone of voice that your partner is using. These inflections can often convey subtext and give the listener some insight as to the intent behind the words. This insight doesn't bring full comprehension, but when added to other aspects of active listening can bring more clarity.
Another component is paying attention to body language. These subtle cues can tell you a lot, and there are many good books on the subject of you don't already have a grasp of this technique. You cannot let body language be your only source of listening, though. Some cues have multiple meanings. One small example is when your partner isn't looking you in the eye when speaking. This can mean that they aren't being fully honest or holding something back. It can also mean that they aren't sure about their attitude on a particular topic, or that they are telling you what they think you want to hear. Or it can simply mean that the topic is hitting them in a sensitive spot and they are being fully honest, fully open and that is what's making them uncomfortable. If you aren't sure, ask.
This leads to the next (and the most significant part) if active listening, feedback. There are good ways to provide feedback and ineffective ones. Simply nodding or saying "uh-huh" are not really efficient forms of feedback. They can lead someone to believe that you have really grasped the full meaning of what they have just said. Unless you are sure that you have fully grasped the meaning, then these are not effective. More effective is to rephrase or respond. Rephrasing involves finding a way to repeat back what your partner has just said in the form of a question. In response to your partner saying, "Meh, I have had sushi several times this month already." you could respond with something like, "Does that mean you don't want sushi for dinner tonight?" This is a really mundane example, but I hope it conveys the idea. Response is more of a way to tell your partner that you have not only heard them but that you have understood the words. "I get that." or "Yes, you have a point there." are a couple of example phrases. As the talker, if you don't get an active response, you may not know whether your partner is listening.
This is certainly not an exhaustive explanation of listening techniques, but merely where I am coming from right now.
And one reminder for those who have put any time into studying communication. There are four components to any communication; Sender, Message, Receiver and Feedback. Without all four of these, communication hasn't actually occurred. Active listening is a way of facilitating the fourth (and often most ignored) component. You can send a message, know that there is a receiver of that message, but if there isn't any feedback you have no idea if the message was actually received.
*(probably why my "it's complexicated" always draws my fursona** with his mouth open)
**(furry fandom - this would be somewhat off-topic ... maybe in a future post)
One of the techniques that is touted in tons of pop-psych books (I have read tons of pop-psych as well as actual psychology literature) is called "active listening." It has been the most reliable for me, even though it has been a source of annoyance to Foxie. (it's how I roll, so deal)
Active listening involves a few components, including paying attention to the inflection and tone of voice that your partner is using. These inflections can often convey subtext and give the listener some insight as to the intent behind the words. This insight doesn't bring full comprehension, but when added to other aspects of active listening can bring more clarity.
Another component is paying attention to body language. These subtle cues can tell you a lot, and there are many good books on the subject of you don't already have a grasp of this technique. You cannot let body language be your only source of listening, though. Some cues have multiple meanings. One small example is when your partner isn't looking you in the eye when speaking. This can mean that they aren't being fully honest or holding something back. It can also mean that they aren't sure about their attitude on a particular topic, or that they are telling you what they think you want to hear. Or it can simply mean that the topic is hitting them in a sensitive spot and they are being fully honest, fully open and that is what's making them uncomfortable. If you aren't sure, ask.
This leads to the next (and the most significant part) if active listening, feedback. There are good ways to provide feedback and ineffective ones. Simply nodding or saying "uh-huh" are not really efficient forms of feedback. They can lead someone to believe that you have really grasped the full meaning of what they have just said. Unless you are sure that you have fully grasped the meaning, then these are not effective. More effective is to rephrase or respond. Rephrasing involves finding a way to repeat back what your partner has just said in the form of a question. In response to your partner saying, "Meh, I have had sushi several times this month already." you could respond with something like, "Does that mean you don't want sushi for dinner tonight?" This is a really mundane example, but I hope it conveys the idea. Response is more of a way to tell your partner that you have not only heard them but that you have understood the words. "I get that." or "Yes, you have a point there." are a couple of example phrases. As the talker, if you don't get an active response, you may not know whether your partner is listening.
This is certainly not an exhaustive explanation of listening techniques, but merely where I am coming from right now.
And one reminder for those who have put any time into studying communication. There are four components to any communication; Sender, Message, Receiver and Feedback. Without all four of these, communication hasn't actually occurred. Active listening is a way of facilitating the fourth (and often most ignored) component. You can send a message, know that there is a receiver of that message, but if there isn't any feedback you have no idea if the message was actually received.
*(probably why my "it's complexicated" always draws my fursona** with his mouth open)
**(furry fandom - this would be somewhat off-topic ... maybe in a future post)
25 February 2011
Journey - The Past Month
So, now we're on to current events. In the past month, we had a new roommate move in. It was very serendipitous when he answered our ad online. Right away, Bunny and I talked for over an hour and discovered that we have a lot in common. Once he did move in, I held back on pursuing anything but a friendship. "He has a boyfriend and it would be awkward with a roommate." was my mantra. I met his boyfriend even before he had officially moved in, also very nice and we seemed to get along well.
Then I find out that they met as part of a 'trouple' and are open to polyamory. I repeated the mantra. Again and again I repeated it. Then his boyfriend opened the conversation about dating and seeing where it might lead. I was ecstatic! Not only one, but two really nice guys are interested in me. One of the things that stands out in the conversation was that Puppy (boyfriend) said that "if either of us were single we'd be chasing after you." That really makes me happy. There is good chemistry there, a growing friendship, and such potential for happiness.
We are taking the whole experience very slowly. They have only recently gone through a rather messy breakup with their previous third partner, and are very hesitant. Puppy is the most wary of getting into a bad situation with poly, so he is "the slowest person" in this new part of the relationship. He will set the pace, and when he is ready for the next step (and not before) Bunny and I will be ready.
I also need to add that all of us get along very well. Foxie, Jonny and I are all in agreement that this has good potential for the whole family. I am truly giggly-happy for the first time in a long time. Foxie seems happy to see that in me which make the whole situation that much better.
So, the family is (hopefully) growing. "It's a good thing" as Martha Stewart would say.
Then I find out that they met as part of a 'trouple' and are open to polyamory. I repeated the mantra. Again and again I repeated it. Then his boyfriend opened the conversation about dating and seeing where it might lead. I was ecstatic! Not only one, but two really nice guys are interested in me. One of the things that stands out in the conversation was that Puppy (boyfriend) said that "if either of us were single we'd be chasing after you." That really makes me happy. There is good chemistry there, a growing friendship, and such potential for happiness.
We are taking the whole experience very slowly. They have only recently gone through a rather messy breakup with their previous third partner, and are very hesitant. Puppy is the most wary of getting into a bad situation with poly, so he is "the slowest person" in this new part of the relationship. He will set the pace, and when he is ready for the next step (and not before) Bunny and I will be ready.
I also need to add that all of us get along very well. Foxie, Jonny and I are all in agreement that this has good potential for the whole family. I am truly giggly-happy for the first time in a long time. Foxie seems happy to see that in me which make the whole situation that much better.
So, the family is (hopefully) growing. "It's a good thing" as Martha Stewart would say.
24 February 2011
A Note On Talking
Clarity is one of the most significant parts of the communication necessary to sustain any relationship. How much information is too much? In many relationships (friend, colleague, acquaintence) there's definitely such a thing as too much information. (TMI, dude, TMI) In sustaining a relationship with life-partners, however, there's no other choice but full disclosure. Even if that means saying "I don't know." or "I'm not sure." it avoids assumptions and wrong conclusions.
This applies to everyone, to the partners and to anyone who is a potential partner. If you are worried that someone newly met will "get all weird about" a poly relationship, how much potential does that person have anyway. Tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
Communicate your actions, your feelings, your motivations, your insecurities, your issues, your outside stressors. One of the best and easiest ways to fuck up any relationship (and it is magnified in poly) is to stop talking, or to be deliberately dishonest in your communication.
Communication also needs to be across-the-baord with all members of the poly family. Regardless of the geometry of your poly family* everyone who is part of that family has the right to know what's going on with any other family member. Also, every family member has the responsibility to share what is going on with him/her.
Sometimes that means repeating yourself, and sometimes that means repeating what was said to you. The first one can get tedious, and the second one can get sticky unless you have an eidetic memory. Everyone needs to understand that second-hand communication is just that. If you are sharing second-hand and don't fully recall the details, then make it clear that you don't. (I like the phrases: "I get the impression that X is feeling this way about the situation." and "I seem to remember something like this.") If you are receiving second-hand information and aren't sure of the details, check your facts. Talk, talk, talk. And if that doesn't work, talk about it some more.
And a final note: Take everything that is communicated in the best possible light. This is something I still need to learn. Maybe it's because of past behaviors by my partner, and maybe it's because of past experiences; but it's all too easy to see baneful motives where the intention is either benign or benevolent.
See also: How to f*** up
(read it, post it on your wall, read it again)
*(triad, vee, quad, double-vee, triangle with a couple of extra lines on the outside, dodecahedron, spaghetti diagram, whatever)
This applies to everyone, to the partners and to anyone who is a potential partner. If you are worried that someone newly met will "get all weird about" a poly relationship, how much potential does that person have anyway. Tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
Communicate your actions, your feelings, your motivations, your insecurities, your issues, your outside stressors. One of the best and easiest ways to fuck up any relationship (and it is magnified in poly) is to stop talking, or to be deliberately dishonest in your communication.
Communication also needs to be across-the-baord with all members of the poly family. Regardless of the geometry of your poly family* everyone who is part of that family has the right to know what's going on with any other family member. Also, every family member has the responsibility to share what is going on with him/her.
Sometimes that means repeating yourself, and sometimes that means repeating what was said to you. The first one can get tedious, and the second one can get sticky unless you have an eidetic memory. Everyone needs to understand that second-hand communication is just that. If you are sharing second-hand and don't fully recall the details, then make it clear that you don't. (I like the phrases: "I get the impression that X is feeling this way about the situation." and "I seem to remember something like this.") If you are receiving second-hand information and aren't sure of the details, check your facts. Talk, talk, talk. And if that doesn't work, talk about it some more.
And a final note: Take everything that is communicated in the best possible light. This is something I still need to learn. Maybe it's because of past behaviors by my partner, and maybe it's because of past experiences; but it's all too easy to see baneful motives where the intention is either benign or benevolent.
See also: How to f*** up
(read it, post it on your wall, read it again)
*(triad, vee, quad, double-vee, triangle with a couple of extra lines on the outside, dodecahedron, spaghetti diagram, whatever)
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