So, I get to work and there's a voice mail on my work phone from my ex. It's the only number he has for me, and I am glad. The ending of our relationship was really messy and I haven't heard from him in 2 full years. I didn't call back, having no idea what to say.
The following morning, I get 2 more voice mails. I really don't want to talk to him. I have a feeling he wants something from me. Maybe that feeling is because of how much he took advantage during the last 2+ years we were together. Still didn't call. Talked to all of my family and some friends to get some support and feedback. Some say call, some say don't. It could be a chance for more closure and it could just dredge up issues that I have (mostly) laid to rest.
This morning I get another voice mail. In the background I hear beeps and boops that sound like a hospital. Now I really ought to call, but I have no idea what to say after all this time.
What to do, what to do? I'll post again after I hear.
29 April 2011
20 April 2011
WTF? What Is This Feeling?
Recent circumstances have brought to light some feelings that have had me pretty damned confused.
The details aren't terribly important, but here's an overview. Conversations about partners and bedmates turned a bit heated with me and others in my family. The situation was resolved except for some residual feelings that seem to be on the mend. While the feelings were still fresh, I tripped over something that I wasn't meant to see. It was pretty damned personal and just hit me entirely the wrong way. The thing I tripped over is something I would expect, and wouldn't have had an issue with except for the timing. It was too soon after the conflict. It brought me down in a big way, and any reminder of this thing just made me feel bad all over again. Way bad. Like, "I want to hit something or someone" sort of bad.
I hate saying "I feel bad." It's very non-specific and speaks to a lack of emotional vocabulary. I like to think I have a pretty good vocabulary for describing how I feel. That being said, it has actually taken almost three weeks for me to identify what emotion was brigning me down.
I'm jealous! Really?!? Me?!? I don't *do* jealousy. My default is always compersion. I am an enlightened poly man, jealousy should be beneath me, right? WRONG! It happens to everyone.
It took me this long to pinpoit the emotion because I don't remember feeling jealous since Jr High. My best friend decided to play his newest Nintendo game with another friend first, instead of with me. I got through it, though. As soon as I calmed down, and after talking to my Dad about it, I simply called my best friend and made plans to play his new game another day. I was better, I had fun, and the green-eyed monster left my heart.
Since that young age, I have felt similar emotions but not what I would call jealousy. I have felt excluded, that's fairly common for me and I cope with that fairly well. Exclusion can lead to jealousy but it's not the same. I have also felt insecure in a relationship, afraid (without evidence) that my lover was going to lose interest and leave. This is really easy for me to treat; I just ask for a gesture of reassurance and that's usually all it takes. Insecurity can also lead to jealousy, but still not the same. Possessiveness, now that's something that I don't think I have ever felt, or if I have it was a fleeting emotion that didn't stay long enough to be memorable. I don't *own* my partner and neither am I *owned* by him/her. It's just not part of my emotional repertoire.
So I am jealous again. Hmmm... this is something that will be really interesting to work through. I finally shared that feeling with whom I needed. I guess that's the first step.
The details aren't terribly important, but here's an overview. Conversations about partners and bedmates turned a bit heated with me and others in my family. The situation was resolved except for some residual feelings that seem to be on the mend. While the feelings were still fresh, I tripped over something that I wasn't meant to see. It was pretty damned personal and just hit me entirely the wrong way. The thing I tripped over is something I would expect, and wouldn't have had an issue with except for the timing. It was too soon after the conflict. It brought me down in a big way, and any reminder of this thing just made me feel bad all over again. Way bad. Like, "I want to hit something or someone" sort of bad.
I hate saying "I feel bad." It's very non-specific and speaks to a lack of emotional vocabulary. I like to think I have a pretty good vocabulary for describing how I feel. That being said, it has actually taken almost three weeks for me to identify what emotion was brigning me down.
I'm jealous! Really?!? Me?!? I don't *do* jealousy. My default is always compersion. I am an enlightened poly man, jealousy should be beneath me, right? WRONG! It happens to everyone.
It took me this long to pinpoit the emotion because I don't remember feeling jealous since Jr High. My best friend decided to play his newest Nintendo game with another friend first, instead of with me. I got through it, though. As soon as I calmed down, and after talking to my Dad about it, I simply called my best friend and made plans to play his new game another day. I was better, I had fun, and the green-eyed monster left my heart.
Since that young age, I have felt similar emotions but not what I would call jealousy. I have felt excluded, that's fairly common for me and I cope with that fairly well. Exclusion can lead to jealousy but it's not the same. I have also felt insecure in a relationship, afraid (without evidence) that my lover was going to lose interest and leave. This is really easy for me to treat; I just ask for a gesture of reassurance and that's usually all it takes. Insecurity can also lead to jealousy, but still not the same. Possessiveness, now that's something that I don't think I have ever felt, or if I have it was a fleeting emotion that didn't stay long enough to be memorable. I don't *own* my partner and neither am I *owned* by him/her. It's just not part of my emotional repertoire.
So I am jealous again. Hmmm... this is something that will be really interesting to work through. I finally shared that feeling with whom I needed. I guess that's the first step.
16 April 2011
Discomfort Zone
When one is in a shared house, there may be more opportunities for interpersonal conflicts. This is just a part of human interaction. When these situations arise, I find that afterward it takes time to feel comfortable around the person I recently had a conflict with. It doesn't matter how it's resolved, who apologizes for what, how each person owns their part in the situation, or any of the rest; I still feel uncomfortable.
Feeling uncomfortable in my home isn't something that I seek out, for certain.
So what happens when there is conflict, I feel uncomfortable and let a distance grow and there's another conflict before the discomfort from the initial clash has dissipated? The gap grows wider of course. It compounds with every situation, and with every reminder of the situations. How wide can the gap get before it's just impossible to be in the same room with another person? I don't think it can be quantified but there is a point at which this happens.
The solve for this? Put up with the discomfort in small doses until you establish enough positive feeling that you can relate to that person normally again.
The closer you are to begin with the harder it is for a major gap to form. When it's a relationship that's "once removed" (my lover's other lover) or "twice removed" (my lover's other lover's lover) there's a lot less intimacy from the outset of any conflict. There's already some distance, so the gap can be widened easier until there's nothing left of friendship or companionable feeling.
It's a conundrum that I don't have very many answers for. I know that if it's making me have either anxiety or nausea when I am around someone I simply don't want to be there. It shows and it makes interaction really difficult. Something must change to adjust the overall feelings, but what that change is, I'm not sure. I'm fairly certain that it's different each time.
Playing it by ear and hoping I'm not tone-deaf this month.
Feeling uncomfortable in my home isn't something that I seek out, for certain.
So what happens when there is conflict, I feel uncomfortable and let a distance grow and there's another conflict before the discomfort from the initial clash has dissipated? The gap grows wider of course. It compounds with every situation, and with every reminder of the situations. How wide can the gap get before it's just impossible to be in the same room with another person? I don't think it can be quantified but there is a point at which this happens.
The solve for this? Put up with the discomfort in small doses until you establish enough positive feeling that you can relate to that person normally again.
The closer you are to begin with the harder it is for a major gap to form. When it's a relationship that's "once removed" (my lover's other lover) or "twice removed" (my lover's other lover's lover) there's a lot less intimacy from the outset of any conflict. There's already some distance, so the gap can be widened easier until there's nothing left of friendship or companionable feeling.
It's a conundrum that I don't have very many answers for. I know that if it's making me have either anxiety or nausea when I am around someone I simply don't want to be there. It shows and it makes interaction really difficult. Something must change to adjust the overall feelings, but what that change is, I'm not sure. I'm fairly certain that it's different each time.
Playing it by ear and hoping I'm not tone-deaf this month.
01 April 2011
Need versus Want
What do I need?
What do I want?
Sometimes it's important to reflect on whether you are getting your needs met in your current life and are you freely able to explore some of your wants. I have often heard Prosperity defined as having the means to meet your needs and a portion of your wants. One could say the same for emotional prosperity.
There is a myriad of psychological theory and philosophy around what one truly needs in life. One of these I like a lot because it's visual and concrete, and illustrated in a pyramid fashion here: Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs
Another source defines the needs in a relationship as being: Certainty, Variety, Significance, and Love/Connection. (The last could also be termed Intimacy.)
Identify Your Needs
It's important to remember that in poly we recognize that one person isn't expected to meet all of those needs all of the time. The exercise in the link might be something that you look at on a partner-by-partner basis. Is this person meeting any of these needs? How fulfilled am I feeling in the relationship based on this evaluation? Am I finding that in one of my other partners?
Very Imoprtant: Don't seek an additional partner for the sole purpose if meeting these unfulfilled needs in your current relationship(s.) This is all over the literature on poly. Adding partners to your life doesn't "fix" an existing relationship, just like having a baby doesn't fix a traditional, hetero-mono, marriage.
Needs ... here are questions I ask myself:
Certainty: Am I fully informed in this relationship? Do I respect my partner in this relationship? Am I included in activities with this partner?
Variety: Is there growth or change in this relationship? Is there a sense of adventure in this relationship? Am I learning anything in this relationship?
Significance: Am I valued by this partner? Am I being heard by this partner? Am I complimented by this partner?
Intimacy: Am I preferred in some manner by this partner? Am I receiving enough touch from this partner? Am I cherished by this partner?
Wants... here are my examples:
Am I exploring a kink or fetish with this person? Am I spiritually connected with this person? Can I talk with this person and connect intellectually?
That's my top list as I see it now, your list will undoubtedly be different. Being poly, it's subject to change from one relationship to another. The broader questions I ask myself are:
Do you truly need all of these in every relationship?
Which of these are critical in a relationship for you?
Which ones can you satisfy with friends and/or other loved-ones?
Is this list long enough or too long?
All of this requires self awareness and introspection as you seek for ways to make your life better and more fulfilling.
What do I want?
Sometimes it's important to reflect on whether you are getting your needs met in your current life and are you freely able to explore some of your wants. I have often heard Prosperity defined as having the means to meet your needs and a portion of your wants. One could say the same for emotional prosperity.
There is a myriad of psychological theory and philosophy around what one truly needs in life. One of these I like a lot because it's visual and concrete, and illustrated in a pyramid fashion here: Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs
Another source defines the needs in a relationship as being: Certainty, Variety, Significance, and Love/Connection. (The last could also be termed Intimacy.)
Identify Your Needs
It's important to remember that in poly we recognize that one person isn't expected to meet all of those needs all of the time. The exercise in the link might be something that you look at on a partner-by-partner basis. Is this person meeting any of these needs? How fulfilled am I feeling in the relationship based on this evaluation? Am I finding that in one of my other partners?
Very Imoprtant: Don't seek an additional partner for the sole purpose if meeting these unfulfilled needs in your current relationship(s.) This is all over the literature on poly. Adding partners to your life doesn't "fix" an existing relationship, just like having a baby doesn't fix a traditional, hetero-mono, marriage.
Needs ... here are questions I ask myself:
Certainty: Am I fully informed in this relationship? Do I respect my partner in this relationship? Am I included in activities with this partner?
Variety: Is there growth or change in this relationship? Is there a sense of adventure in this relationship? Am I learning anything in this relationship?
Significance: Am I valued by this partner? Am I being heard by this partner? Am I complimented by this partner?
Intimacy: Am I preferred in some manner by this partner? Am I receiving enough touch from this partner? Am I cherished by this partner?
Wants... here are my examples:
Am I exploring a kink or fetish with this person? Am I spiritually connected with this person? Can I talk with this person and connect intellectually?
That's my top list as I see it now, your list will undoubtedly be different. Being poly, it's subject to change from one relationship to another. The broader questions I ask myself are:
Do you truly need all of these in every relationship?
Which of these are critical in a relationship for you?
Which ones can you satisfy with friends and/or other loved-ones?
Is this list long enough or too long?
All of this requires self awareness and introspection as you seek for ways to make your life better and more fulfilling.
New Link
I found a fabulous document and added the link to the main page of this blog. I found it very inspiring and enlightening.
12 Pillars of Polyamory
12 Pillars of Polyamory
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