Feeling Loved or Not

The last several days have been rough. I've been having financial hardships and transportation issues.  When these things happen our true colors emerge.  I became rather depressed and found out from my counsellor that Foxie and JO were intending to send me to the hospital involuntarily.  My counsellor did NOT agree.  I didn't go home after the appointment and sought refuge with friends.  Why the fuck do I need refuge from my pack?

Tonight it finally came to me... the last few days what I really needed was simply to feel Love.  I got that from the Gryphon, the Dragon, and the German Shepard.  I get that from the Bunny, too, and also from the Roo.  A tentative love from the Golden Retriever...  so why not from Foxie?

I think it isn't possible.  Some people are missing the ability to Love.  Some will always see Love as a commodity to be bartered.  Some are capable of Love and lose the ability under stress (when it is most needed.)

I am not sure which of these affects Foxie, but it is something I need in any relationship.  I have felt more more Love from Omega over text message than I have ever felt from Foxie.

Does this mean my poly pack is going to change shape?  You bet your life it is!

If I can't be Loved by a packmate when I most need it, then it isn't a relationship.  I need to stop pretending that there can be Love when it just isn't there.

Someone New

So, it has been a month since the last post.  The pack has been doing okay, including the improvements in my relationship with m' Foxie Boi.  It seems that as soon as there's a bit of stability, an event will occur to shake things up.  This time it has turned my perspective around 180° and tipped it upside-down.

Entering the picture is my new interest, young Mr. Omega.  I could gush and go on and on about how sweet, loveable, adorable, compassionate, sexy, sensitive, spiritually centered and genuinely nice he is for hours.  I won't, but I will say that all of it is true and it isn't just the "Disney Chemicals"  talking.

So far, the rest of the pack seem genuinely happy, though I know a shift in the balance may be harder fo r some than others.

I can only ke ep lines of communication open and hope it's all okay.

Out of the Blue

So, I get to work and there's a voice mail on my work phone from my ex.  It's the only number he has for me, and I am glad.  The ending of our relationship was really messy and I haven't heard from him in 2 full years.  I didn't call back, having no idea what to say.

The following morning, I get 2 more voice mails.  I really don't want to talk to him.  I have a feeling he wants something from me.  Maybe that feeling is because of how much he took advantage during the last 2+ years we were together.  Still didn't call.  Talked to all of my family and some friends to get some support and feedback.  Some say call, some say don't.  It could be a chance for more closure and it could just dredge up issues that I have (mostly) laid to rest.

This morning I get another voice mail.  In the background I hear beeps and boops that sound like a hospital.  Now I really ought to call, but I have no idea what to say after all this time.

What to do, what to do?  I'll post again after I hear.

WTF? What Is This Feeling?

Recent circumstances have brought to light some feelings that have had me pretty damned confused.

The details aren't terribly important, but here's an overview.  Conversations about partners and bedmates turned a bit heated with me and others in my family.  The situation was resolved except for some residual feelings that seem to be on the mend.  While the feelings were still fresh, I tripped over something that I wasn't meant to see.  It was pretty damned personal and just hit me entirely the wrong way.  The thing I tripped over is something I would expect, and wouldn't have had an issue with except for the timing.  It was too soon after the conflict.  It brought me down in a big way, and any reminder of this thing just made me feel bad all over again.  Way bad.  Like, "I want to hit something or someone" sort of bad.

I hate saying "I feel bad."  It's very non-specific and speaks to a lack of emotional vocabulary.  I like to think I have a pretty good vocabulary for describing how I feel.  That being said, it has actually taken almost three weeks for me to identify what emotion was brigning me down.

I'm jealous!  Really?!? Me?!? I don't *do* jealousy.  My default is always compersion.  I am an enlightened poly man, jealousy should be beneath me, right?  WRONG!  It happens to everyone.

It took me this long to pinpoit the emotion because I don't remember feeling jealous since Jr High.  My best friend decided to play his newest Nintendo game with another friend first, instead of with me.  I got through it, though.  As soon as I calmed down, and after talking to my Dad about it, I simply called my best friend and made plans to play his new game another day.  I was better, I had fun, and the green-eyed monster left my heart.

Since that young age, I have felt similar emotions but not what I would call jealousy.  I have felt excluded, that's fairly common for me and I cope with that fairly well.  Exclusion can lead to jealousy but it's not the same.  I have also felt insecure in a relationship, afraid (without evidence) that my lover was going to lose interest and leave.  This is really easy for me to treat; I just ask for a gesture of reassurance and that's usually all it takes.  Insecurity can also lead to jealousy, but still not the same.  Possessiveness, now that's something that I don't think I have ever felt, or if I have it was a fleeting emotion that didn't stay long enough to be memorable.  I don't *own* my partner and neither am I *owned* by him/her.  It's just not part of my emotional repertoire.

So I am jealous again.  Hmmm... this is something that will be really interesting to work through.  I finally shared that feeling with whom I needed.  I guess that's the first step.

Discomfort Zone

When one is in a shared house, there may be more opportunities for interpersonal conflicts.  This is just a part of human interaction.  When these situations arise, I find that afterward it takes time to feel comfortable around the person I recently had a conflict with.  It doesn't matter how it's resolved, who apologizes for what, how each person owns their part in the situation, or any of the rest; I still feel uncomfortable.

Feeling uncomfortable in my home isn't something that I seek out, for certain.

So what happens when there is conflict, I feel uncomfortable and let a distance grow and there's another conflict before the discomfort from the initial clash has dissipated?  The gap grows wider of course.  It compounds with every situation, and with every reminder of the situations.  How wide can the gap get before it's just impossible to be in the same room with another person?  I don't think it can be quantified but there is a point at which this happens.

The solve for this?  Put up with the discomfort in small doses until you establish enough positive feeling that you can relate to that person normally again.

The closer you are to begin with the harder it is for a major gap to form.  When it's a relationship that's "once removed" (my lover's other lover) or "twice removed" (my lover's other lover's lover) there's a lot less intimacy from the outset of any conflict.  There's already some distance, so the gap can be widened easier until there's nothing left of friendship or companionable feeling.

It's a conundrum that I don't have very many answers for.  I know that if it's making me have either anxiety or nausea when I am around someone I simply don't want to be there.  It shows and it makes interaction really difficult.  Something must change to adjust the overall feelings, but what that change is, I'm not sure.  I'm fairly certain that it's different each time.

Playing it by ear and hoping I'm not tone-deaf this month.